Reflections

1 : Drinking Partners

When I was in my teens I choose not to drink, decided I never would. In my adolescent fervour I took this to the strictest limit, even avoiding sherry trifle and liquor chocolates.

People often wonder why I made this unusual decision at this time, and the assumption is that I did it in some way to be "good". But that's not true. Maybe it was out of fear, or dread, or simply disgust. I hated to see what drink was doing to my friends - not creating the messed up, washed out lives, full of despair that I often see now, but simply turning strong minded youths, used to dreaming about life and the future of the world into one-track minded yobs who only ever talked about what they'd drunk the night before, what they'd done under the influence, and what they were planning to drink over the next few days.

I guess I did it out of boredom. I found myself surrounded by boring friends, the empty husks of my lively, alert friends. And this was when they were still sober.

I guess I did it out of fear. Knowing that I'd change and become like these shadows, and that like everything else in my life I'd have to push my drinking to extremes, to be the best, and therefore the very worst.

I guess I did it out of disgust. Surely we're able to let our defences down enough to have a good time together, to be open and excited, to be silly and flamboyant. Or do we need to numb our minds, kill our senses to be able to be ourselves?

I guess I did it out of hope. Hope that there could be another way, a better way. I knew there was, and I wanted to see where it would take me. Hope that others would understand, that they'd agree and change. Hope that I could in this one thing at least not give in to the crowd around me.

Now it's so different, I'm out of those years, and have met so many people who, like me, don't drink, and for any number of reasons - from allergies, through bad experiences, death and all the way to faith and religion.

Now it enrages me, to see peoples' lives being torn apart, or poured away. Empty people imprisoned in a bottle that brings them no satisfaction, but just hides the tatters of their former life. There must be a solution.

Now it saddens me, to see friends, good friends, fade away. In a matter of hours they slide away, each drink changing them into some beast that bears no resemblance to my friend. Talking rubbish, falling over, puking up - causing offence. At best just dancing in ways that they'd die to see if they were in their bodies at the time, but the mind has been put to sleep. How can I stand by a guy when he shouts profanities at a passing girl, or how can I look at a beautiful girl who I've always respected when she falls on the floor, not knowing if she'll have the wits to stand up again, having lost all her attractiveness and become a lump of meat with no dignity. But then, the hours roll on by, slowly - and often painfully - my friends return, take control again. I don't mind really, people certainly need to lighten up a lot, and no harm is often done. It's just a shame it has to be this way. My friends all come back to life, I just wish they wouldn't leave me.

2 : Tunes

"There'll be no safety in numbers, when the Right One walks out of the door"
Pink Floyd (Lost For Words)

"Our hearts, above all, make us to dream"
Jars of Clay (Weighed Down)

"Can't you forgive a stupid girl who didn't realise she owned the world till you, left her alone"
T'Pau (Whenever You Need Me)

"The darkest light's before the dawn"
Moby (If Things Were Perfect)

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